(Wow, it certainly is a week for introspection, isn’t it?)
Something has been changing in me in the last few months. It’s a frightening thought, but I think that some of my issues are coming undone.
My mode of life has been changing. It has been months and months since I have experienced the moments of slavish fanaticism that have always been a part of my life. These moments, as most of you who read my journal know, can last from days, to months, and then are forgotten. Consequently my life has been a burial field of half finished ‘great works’ that I have left behind, sacrifice to the next idea to take hold of me.
A trail so too, of broken promises.
In the last months I have not picked up any new or exciting devotions. Nothing has tugged me in that way that borders on mushroom-eating, spirit channeling possession.
They filled my whole brain. Caused me to go weeks without thinking for more than a few minutes about something unrelated. I lost sleep, and I lost friends, and most of all I lost myself.
In this duration, typically I would have had at least one new devotion and a recurrence of some old one.
Instead, I have had a revival of interest in a number of my chosen interests. But not that slavish and monotheistic temporary devotion. I can do anything I like. I can think anything I like. To use a metaphor, I can now take a walk in the woods, without feeling the need to strip off my clothes and run screaming like a jungle savage.
I think, dear friends, that for the first time in my life I have found balance, though not peace. Peace is never something I have sought, as I believe the universe, without conflict would fail and flicker out. Balance however, is a great boon.
I can’t say for sure that this will last, but I am going to make an effort to see that it does.
No more spending weeks or months on the same project, sure that it is the pinnacle of my achievement, only to cast it aside. I have recognized the futility of such acts, on both a personal and a social level.
There will be no more promises that I am incapable of keeping. There may be great works, but they will not be the all-consuming beasts that I have nursed. Not if I have any control on it.
I don’t know the sort of image you’re getting from reading this, but I will say this now. I do not intend to quit writing, or to quit drawing, or to give up my interests in the areas of the paranormal, or in mental challenges. I intend to keep them all as parts of my life, but I intend to keep them, and all my other interests all at the same time, rather than one after another.
I have buried my last ‘great work’, and I am at the mercy of its mourners.