My confession

I keep thinking of ways to start this post, and then forgetting them; its going to be a long one, so skip it if you just don’t care.


This post is probably going to lose me any shred of respect I still have to cling to, if I even have claim to that at this point. Heck, this post is definitely slamming my self respect. But I’ve resolved to say it anyway.

So about half of planet lj knows by now that I have claimed to believe that I am Xelloss, yes, a cartoon character, yes, I’m ota, or whatever the heck we’re calling it this week. Amusingly I never actually posted more than one or two sentences to this effect, except in response to queries. I did however go on and on incessantly about being a demon.

Well here’s the scoop; I’m probably not any kind of supernatural demonic entity. Whether or not the epithet ‘demonic’ can be used to describe my personality is still up for debate. Why did I say I was? Simple, I was trying to convince myself that was what I felt; that I was really some mega powerful ultra cool villain from a show that I was obsessed with. Because the part of me that really resonated, the part that clicked instantly and haunted my dreams wasn’t something cool or special; it was, and is, something that quite often makes me feel ashamed and frightened. So I deluded myself, simply by shifting the focus of the feelings I was having.

I’ve felt alone and foreign nearly my entire life, that hardly bears repeating now, like I was born in the wrong place, the wrong time. You know that. I don’t need to say that again. I also harbored feelings of being evil, or demonic, or in some way just generally bad.

In late February of 2000, when I had just turned 14, I saw Slayers Next for the first time, the anime that Xelloss is from. It quickly became what is probably my favorite anime of all time. A few episodes later I met Xelloss for the first time, and since this post is about the truth, I won’t lie. My first reaction was ‘wow, this characters is really cool…. Have I seen him somewhere before?’.


Xelloss

My friends and I all got really obsessed with Slayers, and we’d get together on weekends to watch it and role-play.

To months later, really only one month, because it was at the beginning of April, I walked in on my younger brother watching cartoons. I remember it clearly I stopped and I stared at the TV, at first, because the figure on it looked a lot like Xelloss, but there was something more than that. ‘Who’s that?’ I demanded of my brother. He replied he didn’t know, it was a new character at the start of a new season. ‘What show is this?’ I asked. He told me. I pointed at the screen, ‘He’s the badguy.’ I said.

I sat down and watched the show with my brother, over the course of it, deciding that while the character was the badguy, it was my feeling that he was being manipulated or controlled in some way.

I am sorry to admit that the show was Digimon Adventure 02 and the character was Ken Ichijouji, the Digimon Emperor (info)


Ken

I didn’t see a lot of the show on its first run; I think I was probably trying to avoid it. I hadn’t seen the first series either, except for a couple of episodes.

The episodes of DA02 I did see were something of an experience, I remember my brother (who watched it religiously) being weirded out by how emotionally involved I got with the show.

Two episodes I did see were the ones in the middle of the series where the Digimon Emperor’s plans are defeated and he realizes that the digimon he’s been tormenting and dominating are real people, not just simulations in a computer game, and his digimon, Worrmon, the only person who stuck with him and believed in his dies in his arms.

I remember crying and crying when I watched that, my brother laughing at me. I had to leave the room and lay down.

I don’t remember exactly when I had the dream, whether it was that night, or a few nights after. A woke up crying, it’s the only time I’ve ever woken up crying, with my arms clutched around nothing. I had been dreaming that I was Ken. There are huge swathes of the dream that I don’t remember, but it was one long, coherent continuous chunk when I was dreaming it. I dreamed Ken’s whole life, up to the point where after worrmon has died, ken wakes up in his bed, and worrmon in there (in his baby form) and that’s when I woke up, clutching him and sobbing.

I found out later from my brother that in an episode I didn’t see, Ken really did get worrmon back, although the circumstances were slightly different than in my dream.

I didn’t watch any digimon after that, although seeing bits of a few episodes was unavoidable. Thinking about it made me feel panicky, and strange. I felt shame and discomfort at feeling this connection with this character, feeling triumph for his triumphs, and guilty for his sins, for somehow having his memories in MY head.

It was something I had tried to block out, and had all but managed, until I discovered the Otherkin and otakin communities online. Before that point I had convinced myself that I was a changeling child and a demon, and that when I died my demon brethren would rejoice at my return.

As I was considering whether or not to join either kin community, thoughts of Ken kept assaulting me, telling me to finally accept it. I refused to; instead I latched onto the Xelloss persona.

In the past few weeks its become clearer and clearer to me what the status quo really is however, its so hard for my to deny how much of me is Ken that I don’t know how I managed to avoid it and bury it and try to change it for this long. We have the same personality, the same fears and desires, and not to brag, high IQs. Since as long as I can remember I’ve had dramatic personality shifts between quiet, reserved and sweet, and outgoing, angry self-absorbed and dominating. So much so that I named them at ten, and started fearing I had MPD. Later I decided that it must mean I was bi-polar.

But I’m done rationalizing, and I’m done hiding. The only thing that can be done to fix things is for me to ignore it completely, or to accept it and explore it and try to reconcile things. I don’t know quite how to deal with it yet, but lying and pretending I’m someone I’m not isn’t go to help.

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