So I was shopping for a winter coat online last night, and I remembered something; it really sucks to try to find a nice coat that will fit the giant watermelons fate has strapped to your chest.
Now, I know gender issues aren’t something that has gotten talked about a lot on this journal. Mordax claims she doesn’t *have* a gender and is usually busy complaining about something even more controversial anyway; whereas I, well, honestly it’s just so much a part of my life I just take it for granted—don’t feel the need to post about it. I’m male, and that’s that. Since we’re fat it’s not like I get treated like a woman much anyway; except when people are staring at our breasts. But on the rare occasion that I’m the one shopping for clothes; actual nice clothes, not trashy t-shirts or jeans, it gets brought home to me: I’m not like normal guys.
It’s frustrating, because the clothes I want to wear (casual or business) are built for a man’s shape. It’s doubly frustrating because it’s not my being fat that keeps them from fitting right– hell it’s easier to get sharp looking clothes for a 300lb man than in is for a 200ib woman, it’s the sac of flesh on my chest; it throws off the cut of whatever I’m wearing from snarky t-shirt to suit jacket.
Our dad hammers on us from dressing like a slob; for me it’s just easier to pretend I look right when I’m dressed casually. Do you know how embarrassing it is, when wearing a button up shirt to look down and realize that your third button has come open and is showing your bra AGAIN because you can’t get the damned thing flat enough? This happens even when I’m wearing a shirt that FITS. I don’t know why; maybe it’s the way they move inside the shirt. And it’s happened over and over and over again since I was 11 years old.
So most of the time I haven’t bothered; I just try to wear whatever, and forget about it. But recently I haven’t been content to do that. I want people to see me as a guy; I don’t want to be automatically addressed as ‘miss’. But most of all I want to *feel* like a guy. I’ve started wearing boxers for the first time, which is quite nice, if for no other reason than they fit and feel better than those horrible little chafing pastry confection panties they sell to women.
I’ve also started binding which is… somewhat problematic and disappointing. On the one hand it is nice to have a firm and unmoving hold up there for once, on the other hand so far I’ve only been able to reduce myself about an inch so far. But I haven’t bought an dedicated binding garments yet, so I guess there’s hope there. I know I’m never going to get a perfectly flat silhouette without surgery (which Mordax would never agree to and frightens the hell outta me anyway) but well, whatever.
So yeah… just as the holiday season arrives I start a quest to spend money on men’s clothes that look and fit right. Wish me luck, I’ll need a lot of it.