Excerpts from: https://old.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/18deqwu/what_is_a_little_bombshell_your_therapist_dropped/
I’ve never really had friends. I’ve had colleagues and classmates and housemates and people who have hung out with me, but I never really felt close to any of them. And I did that thing you see on here sometimes – I stopped reaching out to see if I would be reached out to, and I wasn’t, which I took as confirmation that they didn’t really want me around, or at the very least, that they wouldn’t mind my absence.
I was talking to my therapist about people I’d been close to in college, and she told me to pick one and talk about him. So I did. And after I shared some basic stuff like his name and his major etc., and a couple anecdotes, she asked me what else I knew about him. And I couldn’t answer. It wasn’t really a broadly-applicable bombshell, but she said “what else” and I started crying because I realized that for as simple as the question was, my inability to answer spoke volumes.
I’ve never had good friends because I’ve never been a good friend. I’m withdrawn and reserved and I always made others do the work to drag me out, without ever extending my own friendship in a meaningful way in return. If I wanted to have meaningful relationships with other people, I would have to build them.
I’m still working on this, but I’m trying to make more offers and extend more friendliness to others in my daily life.
“Don’t think of the relationship as over. Think of it as complete.”
Fundamentally changed how I was processing a tough breakup. So helpful.
He said, “Claim the right to your space in the world.”
My self-esteem and self-worth was nonexistent. I didn’t believe I deserved the oxygen I was breathing. He was saying that being a person, being born, gives you the right to exist. You don’t have to earn it. You’re here; claim your space.
“Why do you make people more comfortable when you are uncomfortable”
When talking about people pleasing and fawning
“How was anger expressed in your household growing up? Were you allowed to show anger?” At which point I realized I wasn’t allowed to show any negative emotions whatsoever, especially not in reaction to negative emotions from my parents.
You are not responsible for your parents’ emotional wellbeing. They are independent adults who have been on this earth for many more years than you.
“stop trying to get everyone to agree – when you need everyone to agree the least agreeable person has all the power”
Really changed my outlook on planning family events.