Weight, weight, don’t tell me

For years I have had to worry that my experience of gender– being non-binary/genderqueer, and  having gender dysphoria– are secretly related to my weight and body image. 

Being AFAB I have always worried that if I became thin– if I had a socially acceptable appearing female body– that I would enjoy my experience of gender as a woman; that my long-experienced genderqueer flips between masculine and feminine would stop on the feminine side. 

I have gone from my highest weight of 340lbs, to  298 lbs in March of 2020, to 221 today in March 2021. I am still far from my intended final goal, but I can already see and feel major changes in my body. I feel better about myself when I look in the mirror. I am feeling happy about my body, and looking forward to how it will look, and what I’ll be able to do with it when I’m done.

I had been in a very feminine ‘flip’ for almost all of 2019-2020, but have been feeling male in the last few months now, since autumn. This weekend, I bought a pair of mens jeans in a size that’s a new low for me since high school. Today, a t-shirt I ordered– an XL, not a 3XL or 4Xl like when I started my journey– came in the mail, and I tried it on, along with the jeans. Looking in the mirror I was excited about how masculine I look. I found myself thinking that in a few months or a year, I’ll probably be able to rock that overplayed hipster dude skinny-jeans and t-shirt with a sports jacket look. 

And that’s when it hit me that I wasn’t just losing weight so I could look more like a girl. So that I could buy nicer girls clothes. It’s not women’s clothes I’m daydreaming about right now.

Losing this weight has shown me that my experience of gender is a part of myself that is its own thing, and not part and parcel of my experience of having a fat body. It has answered a question that has messed with my self-esteem for more than a decade. 

No, I’m not just genderqueer because I’m fat. 

I’m genderqueer because I’m genderqueer. And I’m stoked about that.


Ridiculously pleased with myself today. I made homemade mayonnaise; pretty much on a whim! I realized we didn’t have any for my sandwiches for dinner right *after* my grocery order arrived. But! I had all the ingredients for it in my kitchen.

So, for the very first time, I made homemade mayo! It tastes good! It’s a little strong since I only had olive oil in the kitchen, and not something more neutral but I’m especially pleased because the emulsion didn’t break at all! 

My arm is hella tired but this is definitely something I’m going to do again on purpose.

Goodbye 2020

In this house the last hours of 2020 were spent quietly watching movies, and looking forward to the new year. We watched some old Soviet new years films, The Carnival Night, and The Irony of Fate, as well as some old soviet propaganda films in between. We also re-watched The Nut Job and the Lorax cartoon as it go closer to midnight and our attention span wandered.

We made Kortofelnaya Zapekanka for dinner, and had a lovely ‘snack tray’ of pickles and olives, sausage, Camembert cheese, topiko roe, deviled eggs and cookies. And a little vodka 😉 Surprisingly, we managed to make it all the way to midnight, and toasted the arrival of 2021 with champagne and a kiss.